After missing an appointment because of Daylight Savings Time, The Daily Astorian, on behalf of Coast Weekend, made up for lost time by catching a few minutes with the man of the hour: Father Time.
The Daily Astorian: First things first, if I may -
Father Time: That's what I always say. Everything in its own me.
DA: Thank you for taking yourself out of your busy schedule to chat.
FT: Well, as you know, I stand still for no one. [Laughs]. But once in a while I take a little breather.
DA: Clearly, spring has sprung. Birds are tweeting in the trees, and so many flowers are blooming that just thinking about it I have to sneeze. It's fabulous. But here's the thing. You're infinite, and yet you seem so limited, so precious and fleeting. I guess what I'm wondering is why, in the midst of all this spring grandeur, did we have to lose even one hour using Daylight Savings Time?
FT: Steady there, lad. You know as well as I do that's something you mortals impose upon yourselves. Not even all of the states in your country subscribe to it. You mustn't blame me for the fact that the axis of your planet is as off-kilter as you are. Without that tilt you wouldn't have seasons, not to mention the periodic impulse to advance your watches - those mechanisms you use to try to track me - so more of your workday will coincide with the light of day.
DA: I can tell you are tired of - or maybe should I say "seasoned at" - answering that question.
FT: Well, speaking of seasonings, I don't mean to sound bitter. But if variety is the spice of life, I get blamed for such a smorgasbord it's a wonder I don't have chronic indigestion. I mean, can I help it if you can't remember whether to spring forward and fall back, or vice-versa? I realize I'm a bit wound up about it, but you might as well blame Daylight Savings on a conspiracy of watch manufacturers, or the artists who draw the thousands of alarm clocks that appear in all those newspaper reminder blurbs.
DA: I gather these are troubling, Time.
FT: Indeed. Don't get me started. [Laughs]. Just kidding. I never start. I never end. But I do get a bit miffed when people think they can spend me, budget me and save me.
DA: The whole 'time is money' thing?
FT: Exactly. It's a bunch of clock crock.
DA: If you don't like people talking about trying to spare you and save you, I imagine you also resent the expression, "killing time."
FT: Actually, that one is so ridiculous it makes me laugh. It slays me.
DA: So I take it you don't really fly when we're having fun?
FT: And I don't crawl when you're bored. You have to remember it's my job to be consistent - except when approaching the speed of light. Then how I appear to act is a bit more complicated, relatively speaking. But overall, I'm a constant sort of fellow.
DA: Do you ever grow tired? Don't get me wrong. You seem pretty spry. But I can't help noticing your walking stick.
FT: This? My staff? This is just to keep me moving steadily. Still, your point is well taken. Sometimes I wish I had a real staff - you know, a second in command. Oh, wait a minute - I have lots of them.
DA: Oh, I get it. As Time, you have seconds in command. Funny.
FT: Thank you.
DA: Can you explain Greenwich Mean Time?
FT: What, as opposed to Greenwich Nice Time?
DA: I'm glad to know you have a sense of humor.
FT: I need it. Keeps me looking as if I'm not a year past 530 billion epochs. But I'm afraid that now, as always, I must be marching on. We don't have all the me in the world, you know. Still, maybe it's true after all.
DA: What's that?
FT: I have to fly, so maybe you're having fun.
The interviewer, Brad Bolchunos, recommended against conventional identification in the question and answer format as "CW" for "Coast Weekend," noting that it might be misconstrued as Cracking Wise about going Clock-Wise, and he did not want to get clocked. Instead, he suggested "DA" for "Daily Astorian" to go with "FT" for "Father Time." Together, appropriately enough, they are DAFT.